Book I of, “The Wisdom of Jezebel.”

Beware if your mind is in the garbage can, your paws and nose will soon follow.

Halachic opinion by Rabbi Jezebel, the first female pug/terrier mix and non-human to be ordained, by what authority, I cannot say:

Any item that is soft and low is suitable for urination, even if you just went outside for half an hour. Faked them out with that pseudo-squat now, didn’t we?

This includes bathroom rugs and clothing left on the bathroom or bedroom floor. Your mom told you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket and keep the doors closed, so this is all your fault for failing to observe the mitzvah of honoring your parents.

A cozy, fleece blanket laying across the living room couch is acceptable for your uses, but parts of the blanket not touching the floor are assur (forbidden.) As to satin and brocade pillows on the couch, there is a minority opinion that these may also serve your excretory needs, as long as you first drag the pillow onto the floor. Once the brocade pillow is within your domain of the floor, you are also permitted to rip off beads, buttons, lace, and any other attachments. Try not to swallow, as vet bills are expensive, but hey, you are worth it.

 

Do not, under any circumstances, make use of the leather pillows, as they are quite easy to wipe off and would deprive your Sapien inferiors of the mitzvah of expending much effort and expense in cleaning up after you.  All other pillows have a sign on them that you read as, “Ladies Room.”

Defecation in the house is only permitted in hidden and difficult to reach for retrieval spots, like behind the tv or dining room table. You must also do your dirty deed quickly, and not be observed, lest your hiding place be discovered. A good time is when mom is mixing your food for you. If your Sapien slaves yell or even raise their voice, seem alarmed, use inappropriate and demeaning language or appear displeased, or react in any manner except calm nonchalance upon discovering your precious droppings, feel free to run around the house in a maniacal state in order to release all that pent up energy and frustration.

While your Sapien is attempting to remove your leavings with a paper towel, you are permitted to attack the paper towel (but not the hand, unless by error in the confusion of your rambunctiousness) and try to rip it to shreds, thus making the process more difficult and encouraging them to wait till later when you are out of the way, thus leaving the scent of your innards to waft its lovely way throughout their home.

If your Sapien decides to take a shower, and refuses to allow your company, sneak in anyway behind them, and remain quiet until you are thoroughly saturated. Your Sapiens and their home benefit from wet dog smell, even though they claim otherwise.

There are arguments regarding modesty issues in showering with Sapiens of a different gender, although certain scholars allow lenience as long as you keep your eyes low, although feet and shampoo bottles are fair game. Your Sapien mom really does need for you to get under her feet and try to make her slip, even though she tried to get you in the crate with that treat tactic – we don’t fall for that anymore. You are providing excellent physical therapy as she will have to strengthen her muscles to avoid falling over you and breaking her neck, and you are also encouraging her, and others, to develop mindfulness regarding your low estate under their feet.

As an added bonus, your Sapien mom will decide to buy you a wardrobe of doggie sweaters, as once you have soaked your sweater, there is not time to wash and dry your sweater before you need to go outside, as it is winter, even if it is San Diego.

Further rulings to follow. Opinion is that it is not legal to get that kid who left his stuff all over the floor to strong arm me into my crate (even with my favorite toys and treats) prior to a Bet Din trial. This is false imprisonment sans judicial process. Yeah, I thought I scared him by squirming out of his arms (but landing on my feet) on the way to potty last week, so he would be fearful of hurting this incredibly tough pup, and thus be rendered ineffectual for any service.

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