Email to Sgt. Denise Deal, Re: SMPD Officers Behaving Badly, In fact, very badly….

I opened the door to let out Jezebel my 22 week old pug/terrier? mix, (although a crooked, likely undocumented Mexican with very bad teeth sold her to us stupid gringos for $350 as a purebred pug) and likely drugged her so she would be quiet and sweet and it was too late when we discovered she was this wild monster of a dog, but we still love her, even my son who she has declared war on when he came home for holidays. I guess, even though I was not feeling so great and couldn’t eat when I have to go in a car for reasons some of you can imagine, especially those with inflammatory bowel diseases, I should have figured something was amiss when Jose or whatever his name was wanted to meet at a gas station in Fallbrook for the exchange. What is this, a drug deal or a dog deal? But we said let’s smeet at Nessies, an outdoor excellent hamburger place where I used to take Jonathan when he was taking special needs horsebackriding at Reins in Fallbrook.

We did meet a nice, older lady who told me she had brain surgery and was disabled, and every morning she went to Nessies who provided her with a breakfast for free, that took a photo of his license plate, but my concern was more that a pug might be stolen as older son told me they are valuable and often stolen, not that this guy was going to put one over on me that this was a mixed breed not purebred, as I had no interest in breeding but just wanted a lazy, easy dog, but you get what you get.

As she ran out to do what doggies do, although she often saves some to do in the house, but okay if not in my bedroom which is carpeted, I saw the gate was open. Now Jez is not like our 13-year-old cocker spaniel we had to sadly put down for cancer around Christmas 2015, who found every opportunity to escape the wonderful home we gave him for whatever reason, she would rather stick to me like glue which I learned is a breed issue, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. So, now I am out of breath and resting on my bed as while I can barely walk I tried to run to shut the gate just in case, as there is no way I could chase her down if she did decide to bolt.

So, I am just curious as to what is going on with some of your police staff. Did they receive such an urgent call that they had to leave my door wide open (outside light on to illuminate said open door, and also leave gate wide open (no, nobody ever would come open our gate as this doesn’t happen in our neighborhood and Russell was gone as he drove away with police car according to neighbor across the street while police had me cowering in my bedroom without locks believing bipolar off-meds and hadn’t seen his doctor ex-husband, allowed to live in house as he had been stable, although still a selfish schmuck, and the honest reason I allowed this was that when my autistic son was younger and visitation required I (and son) felt it safer and more psychologically secure for dad to spend the weekend despite his passive-aggressive behaviors, than to have my vulnerable son dragged away with dad and who knows he would be with or how well he would be supervised, and although I don’t think R sought to harm or neglect his son, he was impulsive and selfish.

So, what can a citizen do, especially one with a disabilty and seriously ill, as not eating for nearly two months and down 30+ pounds, sometimes high blood pressue but likely related to current illness?  I was aware, especially later, that they were providing me with wrong information both in regard to medical, legal and psychological/social issues, but when two guys have guns and are purposefully threatening and intimidating you, and you have no witnesses, how difficult would it be for them to physically attack me and handcuff me if they felt their manliness assaulted by a woman far more educated, intelligent and knowledgeable than them, excepting their own area of expertise.  I certainly can’t shoot straight, nor would I be able to deal with street thugs, although there are certain persons known to us who were caught with their hand in the cookie jar, but they are fortunately on hubby’s side of the family, not mine, who have their own crazy issues that don’t involve lawbreaking as far as I am aware.


My 21-year-old son Jonathan said to me recently, “Mom, I am autistic and only 21, but I am more mature than Russell.” The kids call him Russell, not dad, as he allowed this when they were younger, although the court during our divorce case painted this as my doing in turning kids against their father when father turned kids against him all by himself with his behavior.

Older son Michael, my world traveler now in Poland calls Russell, “the child,” and has had to manage his father and care for his often traumatized and upset younger brother during vacation trips, but was glad he went along to help care for Jonathan even though he was only a teen, as at times when dad was well-meaning, he made poor decisions, like when invited to a Bat Mitzvah in Philly and grandma paid for tickets, he decided to stop in NY to sight see, fine except dad chose to take a redeye, with J not sleeping, (you just need to meet any special needs child who hasn’t slept to understand) and they arrive at the hotel at 10:00 am and the clerk says your room will not be ready until 3 pm, as dad hadn’t thought of that. Kid starts screaming and crying with Michael my older son trying to comfort him, and let’s just say the staff managed to get the room ready a bit faster.

Then there was the time when Mr. Brilliant got the idea to fly home from visiting his mom in Florida on a redeye, with autistic son not sleeping much, and then instead of drive him home more than 90 minutes from LAX, impulsively and without communicating or discussing this with anyone as is his modis operandi, chose to stop at his office and spend the day at work, figuring kid could watch videos or play on computer.  Autistic ten-year-old without sleep began screaming, which didn’t exactly fit in with this agency culture, although government is known for its tolerance, which doesn’t extend to children who don’t belong in the workplace.  Hubby calls me and tells me to meet him at a freeway juncture so he can return to work, but no way was I going to drop everything I was doing, which was a school project with older son, to rescue him from his own poor judgement and refusal to recognize such, as his family trained him to expect.

Did those lovely officers, including the one who told me he, “could take me in any time and was just about to do so,” perhaps do a drug bust prior to their arrival at my so well decorated home with dog poop in front of the fireplace, and take some samples for themselves? When I lived in Chicago this was both common and common knowledge that these things occurred. The girl who did our insurance dated a Chicago PD officer, young, around 22, and he bragged to us about how they busted a bar for serving underage the night before (also quite common and perhaps the bar owner neglected to pay off police) that they arrested the owners, ticketed the staff, arrested the male underage drinkers but let the underage female drinkers go, at least the pretty ones.

UPDATE HERE:  I just spoke to my neighbor, a CNA, and she said, based upon her own experience, the cops look around and viewed the dog poop as evidence I couldn’t care for myself.  Well that may be the case, given my health circumstances, but no reason to treat this as a denigrating moral failure because someone will come on Monday and pick up doggie poop.  Did they think I need crazy, off-meds ex to care for me?  He doesn’t pick up doggie poop; he refused to take out garbage that stunk to heaven as I can’t lift bag.  I did make sure not to trigger his adult ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) – okay I am playing amateur psychologist, by not saying, “Would you please take out the garbage,” and instead using more neutral language not involving any request of him, “The garbage stinks.”  Ex is passive aggressive, so it is funny and empowering for him to leave stinking garbage when I can’t lift heavy bag thate he helped fill, and he overfilled it so I couldn’t lock it, thus allowing puppy to be able to get into it (she has before) so I removed some garbage and put it in a bag in the sink, so I could lock can.  Then I pushed can, on wheels, with my walker to at least get it out of the house so it could stink someplace beyond the reach of my nasal passages.  Puppy did manage to knock over can but it remained locked.

Did they forget their Ritalin or other ADHD meds, as older son has ADHD and can’t take those meds due to bad reactions and is constantly losing stuff (has gotten better) even accusing his brother of taking what he misplaced, and managed to leave a suitcase either on the bus or at a bus stop in Alfei Menashe (Israel, West Bank) but just outside greenline so not extremist territory.  Once he got bored on Shabbat where they do nothing and was taking a walk and found an AK-47 or some nasty weapon pointed at him but as soon as they heard his American accent it was all cool where I had made arrangements for him to stay with a FB friend, published author and newspaper columnist, and also friend from online university class (she works in anti-terrorism/security etc.) and I bet as a police officer you know what happens to suitcases left unattended in Israel especially sensitive areas of the country?

I had bought him a brand new really nice suitcase (the one he left of course) and new clothes and shoes for the trip. My Kindle he had borrowed and is now in Poland a year and a half later wasn’t in that left behind suitcase.

Denise, if that is even your real  name as email came back, but it is also possible I copied it wrong given how I felt.  I strongly suspect your position is more about damage control and making upset locals feel better as they get to express their feelings and feel validated and might believe something will actually be done to rectify the problem, such as discipline officers for unprofessional and inappropriate behavior, be an impetus for higher quality training and supervision, etc., I like you Denise because I see you as doing a good job, which includes a quasi-therapist role.

As I have worked in management and hired employees (well, actually didn’t hire but vetted to send along to those who did the hiring) I respect people who seek to do the best job they can and improve themselves. In addition, I see you as intelligent and likely educated, unlike the Neanderthals who showed up at my door last night, and were well aware how long it took me to get from my bedroom to the door and seemed to expect me to speak with them standing up as I looked for a place to sit – well Jez has also learned to jump up on leather couch to pee (not as bad as material couch as easier to clean but not by me) even when she has done so outside minutes before.

While you mentioned that the, “advice,” delivered in an extremely mean, intimidating and nasty manner, if delivered differently might have been useful if I had been healthy. For example, I cannot just go stay with someone else due to medical reasons, as I need very quick easy access to a bathroom, need my stuff that makes my life more workable, and I wouldn’t expect any friend, and no relatives anywhere nearby, to host a person with serious medical problems, plus my wild and crazy anti-therapy puppy not exactly potty trained or even civilized in decorum, plus (this is embarrassing) since this flare I have at times not made it to toilet or not even the vicinity, so perhaps I would not be such a welcome guest and I would never consider asking?

My health is not of such quality, likely my doctors would agree, to travel to Vista Court House, where I have been there and it is a mile to bathroom which is likely full and there is a line, and with my back problems I can only walk short distances and can’t stand. Okay this kind person in such a mean manner asked, “Can your son push a wheelchair, just say yes or no.” Of course this is a difficult question, as he is physically capable of pushing a wheelchair and likely puppy is too, except she will push it over like she did me along with my walker once, J is a university student now having midterms who cannot miss class and it has been strongly directed by medical and psychological treating professionals of his as well as his regional center mentors and of course my brilliant older son UCSB PolySci graduate living now in Poznan, Poland until his next gig in Estonia that Jonathan cried for an hour in a FB video call and can’t take the stress of this along with his disability, and mom suspects this recent incidence is triggering memories of his dad doing this when he was younger and more vulnerable and dad made sure we had no money and mom was constantly stressed and needing to deal with very freaking out kids, but of course court could paint stressed, anxious mom as bad guy while dad just pops an Ativan and looks good for court as his attorney has told him.

It is really just a system and nobody really cares about you or your kid, and even son’s highly ethical psychologist believed justice system worked in an honest and upright manner at least the majority of the time and hardly believed me when I informed him this wasn’t so, as it worked more on the moral level of used car sales or politics. See, someone(s) make decisions that will affect your life and the life of your children long-term and possibly even kill them (or you) and there is zero accountability and the decision-makers will never even be aware of the outcome of their decision. It is just a day at work, as in when I might decide what phrase to use in some news article I was writing, but having far greater consequences, as if I spelled someone’s name wrong or got the wrong dates for a tennis match, our paper would print a correction and I would feel like an idiot for a long time for such minor error.

Would you believe that I found the behavior of your SMPD far more traumatizing, stressful and upsetting than that of off-meds ex, as his behavior is rather predictable and expected, not exactly what he will do and say but I get the general gist that he will act passive-aggressive, impulsive, illogical, and get angry when triggered or thwarted like a toddler having a tantrum, and he is a rapid cycler so can be calm and okay one minute and off the handle the next. Once a doctor of his said that when R was under stress he could give him enough meds to stop a race horse and it would do no good. I read in a research article that some bipolar persons, when they are under stress, especially severe stress, a hormone the body secretes stimulates mania.

The reason I found the officer’s behavior so disconcerting is I was not expecting this behavior of a police officer, but I guess this is San Marcos/Escondido as I also did not expect such substandard medical care and mean, nasty nurses who acted like patients were an imposition on their life at Palomar (I have a BS in Health Care Mgt., and although I worked for a large and lucrative infertility practice in the 80’s when it was cutting edge and a few other minor jobs, I haven’t worked in that field except to perhaps write articles or do a bit of marketing/PR/advertising since my oldest son was born 25 years ago.

After my  son was born I wrote for a local newspaper, “The North County Entertainer,” and did freelance writing, which I will tell you doesn’t pay much but can be fun and something to use my brain while changing diapers and wiping tushies. Just FYI, I might warn you about Scripps, Encinitas, where a friend took her college student son in twice and was told he had flu or something, and finally the third time they did the right test (which would have been done the first time at UCSD just to be sure) and discovered he had meningitis and it was touch and go, at times there was a concern he would not make it, all due to substandard care. Also, Scripps, La Jolla nearly killed me when I chose the best OB, I was so obsessive, the one who all the RSF trophy wives go to for delivery of their scions and the doctor that other physicians go to for complicated cases just happened to screw up a simple, planned C-section and a comedy of errors of medical incompetence and poor management followed.  I did return home with a healthy baby and not so healthy mom after two weeks in hospital with complications, but we survived and also learned no attorney would take our case on contingency, as we couldn’t afford legal fees at that point in our life, as the case was not big enough as both mom and baby survived with no permanent injuries except perhaps psychological ones like maybe a medical PTSD which was not on the radar then, and rather my doc said, “Hey, it has been 9 months, you should be over it by now,” as if one says that to combat veterans.

Gosh these places must be lazy, stupid or in a hurry as the more tests you do the more insurance will pay but I guess those with no or poor insurance don’t get all those tests that might be unnecessary but could save a life such as that of my friend’s son.

I suppose if I were some black, male teen especially of a lower socio-economic status, or an undocumented person, especially a young male,I might fear bad treatment from police, but as I am a 59-year-old, college educated professional, middle-class female, not a substance abuser unless one includes Facebook. I will have to tell my sons that white privilege doesn’t always work, especially here.

When my older son had that car accident that you have a year after you get your license because you no longer drive so carefully as you now are more confident, but also lack the experience to be the safest driver, and more so for young males, even though it was his fault when the officer arrived, and it was true this was a bad intersection in Escondido, he was nearly crying and the female officer not only didn’t give him a ticket, which she could, but was comforting him, “there, there, it happens to everyone, you will be okay.” This was the time he called me and said his car broke down so he would be staying overnight at the friend he was visiting and had just left when the accident occurred.

I learned from dad that his car wasn’t broken down, he had an accident, but no injuries and great that friend’s brother’s girlfriend’s dad owned an auto body shop, “Cids,” and they gave us a good deal as we only had liability. So, kid proclaims, “This is white privilege. I bet some minority kid my age might not be treated the same way.” Well mom thinks it is also middle-class privilege, with kid who is polite and respectful, and perhaps the crying didn’t hurt, rather than some smart-ass who would give the lady officer mouth.

I have a disability and a handicapped sticker for my car, and also have ulcerative colitis and you are aware I have been having a very bad flare for the last couple months. My self-assessment is that this current state will improve as expert doctor will review my medical history and labs, do a colonoscopy and then put me on Humira or Remicade – like Humira as you can self-inject instead of having to come to hospital for infusion, and it may be a bit less expensive but Humira is like $1500 to $2500 per month which is why insurance companies like to try everything else first, and I was disconcerted to read on a website that the first thing a treatment professional needs to do prior to deciding to prescribe Humira is to check their health insurance status.

I learned that Humira has a program where they will pay 90% of your copay, which is good as while insurance is pretty good they have lousy prescription program where non-generics they only pay half, and it doesn’t matter if there is no generic available. I had hesitated anyway to go on heavy duty biologic drugs as there can be serious side effects, but at this point I am willing, and spoke recently to tech on phone at my vet with same disease and medication and if she can work full-time with such a severe version of the disease I feel hopeful, not that I will be able to work outside doing stuff at home due to back problems.

As I like to think and analyze, having this experience prior via work and hobbies, I wanted to understand why these officers acted like this. My guess is that while they have certain training and skills, such as tactical stuff like handling a hostage situation and use of firearms, while I am a really unskilled, even hopelss shot, even though the husband of a friend who owned a sporting goods shop in Denver years ago bought me a gun due to this ax murderer on the loose, and took me to the shooting range and tried to teach me, I really wasn’t a very good student.

But in regard to human relationship abilities, I suspect these officers only had one tool in the box, and that is to intimidate and bully, frighten and threaten people they deal with, and it doesn’t matter who they are dealing with. I would see behavior one might use with some thug might not be the same sort of behavior one uses on a vulnerable female, certainly no threat to them in any way, but this is the only way they know how to relate and I suppose get things done, finish a call, and there is no accountability, no camera/audio or likely any consequence for doing stuff like this.

I don’t know anything about this area of criminal justice, but surmise as just as the sort of medical care one might expect in La Jolla is of a far higher standard than one would receive in San Marcos or Escondido, the pay, training and requirements of a police officer in an upscale area where they are extremely polite and helpful to the taxpayers who are providing their salaries, SMPD as well as I have heard stories about Esco police via my friend the retired officer perhaps treat every call as some thug, druggie or otherwise pain in the tuches for them, and the standards of training, hiring and supervision are far lower. I was looking up domestic violence websites, and I would say my case doesn’t exactly reach that criteria although there are some commonalities, as I realize Russell is in some ways an abusive person despite the fact that he isn’t violent in the typical manner and has excellent social skills, far better than mine able to be a chameleon as some friends and relatives say, and as well he is a high-level professional, highly paid and respected for his IT work at which he is quite talented, using his medical knowledge even though he was booted from medical school at Jefferson University in Philly due to mental health issues in his second year.

He tells people he graduated and I wasn’t going to embarrass him but warned all my doctors to never call him and if he shows up don’t let him do the pretend to be a doctor thing and offer advice on my medical situation, which he has done. He told me he was kicked out due to academics, but I saw his grades and they were average and I also saw the letters from the school dealing with this situation. These are things one learns in journalism although I am not good enough to do investigative journalism, doing features, restaurant reviews, event and arts reviews and what we call soft news, but perhaps there is a bit of wannabe crack a case like Watergate in me, when the only things my investigations have learned is typical stuff like the owner lies about making their own desserts while the chef informs me they purchase them from outside, which I know is mostly the case expect for five star restaurants for financial reasons.

Well, this is not the first time an email or FB status turned into an article, as what do you expect of a writer? I think it is pretty good although not polished and need to get dog’s breakfast now, she must be hungry waiting. Would you consider sharing it around the office or perhaps via some social media or in-house publication? I can put it on my blog and provide link. Well, perhaps I should just put it on the blog and provide the link in this email rather than so much to read? Yeah, better idea. I suspect that Adult Protective Services Elder/Disabled abuse organization my neighbor recommended that said they would return my call might find this interesting, and if I do some work on it maybe even a local or other paper? I do need to get back, perhaps into free-lance writing now that I am rid of the drain on my energies including creative ones.

See, it is so much more peaceful and conducive not only to my health but to my creative endeavors to have this person who is a source of aggravation and chaos even when on meds and stable, and guess what darling older son, mom is no longer going to put up with R’s crap, including creating problems in neighborhood and damaging house and yard – I suppose officers blame me for this mess- so the $100K+ your dad makes at his government job will keep rolling in.

Son is planning to go into business with his best friend.  The erstwhile partner graduated from UCSB, the same school my son did, with a degree in computer engineering, and sadly knew those three Chinese-American students who were murdered in the apartment of Elliot Roger back in 2014. Yeah, I wrote an article about that too, but it needs editing. One of the students my son recalled visiting and eating pizza with while playing video games. Also the best friend’s girlfriend was friends with the sorority sister who was gunned down. The article detailing how my son was not at his usual favorite eatery where he would usually go every night to eat and once he went twice in one night as he got late night hunger pangs, where the 6th victim was gunned down while my son was on the train coming home for the weekend at mom’s urging.

The partner has held responsible positions at major companies including Sony, Google and Pandora, so mom is not concerned about his abilities, and hopes their venture will be successful, so no member of this nuclear will ever feel the need to make nice with their unstable father.

Please wish them well, and let mom help pick the name and do any copywriting etc. involved. If you have never looked it is very difficult to find a name that nobody else has already thought of. Sure, just when you are so sure you have come upon some magnificent, creative idea, guess what you arrogant smartass? Someone else has already thought of it long ago. I know you guys really didn’t like my Zinebine or Zynebyne , and I think the spelling ZynByn is simpler – idea which is a bit of an Americanization of an Israeli insult, and I will explain if anyone really wants to know.

Okay, so I have to tell you.  Zayin in Hebrew is a weapon, a sharp, pointed one like a dagger or stiletto.  Does this sound familiar to anyone, as to what this might symbolize in slang?  Ayin means eye, and b’ is a preposition that means in.  No, it does not mean, “a weapon in your eye, but close.”  Zayin is slang for penis, like in English one might say, “junk,” or, “equipment.”  Now this doesn’t exactly make sense in English to say, “a penis in your eye,” but in Hebrew, as Israel is a very anti-authoritarian society, one might say this to one’s boss who asks them to do something they have decided not to do and have no intention of changing just because boss says so.  It is a rather chuztpadik (you can look that up too) way of saying, “Okay, and you and what army are going to make me do this?”

My other idea guys, is that you might have a logo with both of your initials, MJ, which we know stands for something else that is legal here in CA, and medically in Israel, but we all know those minor issues of legality are only words on paper, and the religious people say brachot (blessings over the use of said substances, and once mom was in a discussion, half serious, half tongue in cheek as to which blessings one should use upon this substance and how one might use a different prayer depending upon the form of the substance, i.e., smoked or eaten might take.

Note:  Update

I just received some very disturbing news last night, and that might be an understatement.  My son that I mentioned who is currently living in Poznan, Poland admitted to me he was beaten up by Polish Nazis two weeks ago but didn’t want to tell me as he knew I was sick and in the hospital.  Actually it was the ER, albeit 6 times.  I am glad he told me as I felt something was wrong in the chats, but I don’t know how to help him from so far away and certainly too sick to travel.  He doesn’t want to come home, even for a visit now, as we promised him a ticket back.

The thought occurred to me due to this recent abusive behavior that seemed to have no rhyme or reason might be due to the officers or one of them seeing the mezuzah on the door.  There are Neo-Nazi groups within police departments, Oath Keepers is one but I believe there are others, and I think these are more common in the South and the Rust Belt, but I wouldn’t be surprised that some of this is here also.

What do you guys think?








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